Plot

What went through my head
Just looking at that plot, what’s not to like? It sounds stupidly funny. Ok so there have been a few similar themed things in the past that ended up as straight to DVD trash but this is nothing of the sort. For a start, this is the same guy who helped write the screenplay of TinTin and also worked on Hot Fuzz. Speaking of Hot Fuzz, Nick Frost is in this as a shady but cool drug dealer who lives on the 19th floor and he is spectacular. So, now you’ve seen the film’s credentials – how good does it sound? Even better right?

It’s pretty impressive that this film is basically done with unknown actors aside from Nick Frost. None of them have been in much at all (though one of them was in a film hilariously titled Strippers VS Werewolves) and yet each of them is spectacular. All funny in their own way and speaking hood-speak a hundred words a second, it took be a minute to tune into what was being said. I pity anyone from the US who tries to watch this – turn on the subtitles cos you won’t have a clue. What’s even cooler about the script is that there is a large stretch of it in the beginning which is in time to the music to make it seem like an almost-rap. You might have to concentrate to hear it but it’s there. Kudos to Luke for pointing that out to me when we watched it.

This film really is stupendous though. It doesn’t hold back on the violence but then again it doesn’t go overboard on it either. To be honest, I’m willing to guess that this is pretty representative of what would actually happen if a small contingent of aliens decided to land in Croydon.

The aliens themselves are uber cool. Who thought of the glow in the dark teeth and ultra black fur? Inspired ideas. And the whole plot of why they’re there trying to tear a gang of teenagers to shreds is also pretty brilliant. In fact, I can’t think of anything in this film that I didn’t like. It’s well paced, excellently shot, beautifully acted, exquisitely written, and is everything an alien invasion film should be. Bravo.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
I’m actually going to go ahead and say yes to this. It’s just so darn funny and if one of you is really jumpy, you can just cling onto your beloved’s shoulder for a bit.

Memorable quotes
Sam: We should call the police.
Pest: You’d be better off calling the Ghostbusters love.

Sam: What’s Ron’s weed room?
Brewis: It’s a big room! Full of weed. And it’s Ron’s.

Biggz: Hurry up guys, we gotta catch ‘em all!
Pest: Calm down Biggz, this ain’t Pokemon!

Rating *****
Totally brilliant comedy with aliens, teenaged gangs, drugs, muggings, and gangsta rap. What’s not to like?

Plot

What went through my head
No but seriously, I don’t know why I watched this film. I have plenty of others I need to watch and I even have a list of films recommended to me by friends which I’ve said I’ll watch but still I clicked on this film. Ah hindsight.

To be fair, this starts of well. Really well. It’s exciting and crazy and from the word go you know you’re in for some brilliant martial arts ass kicking, but then it seems the writers forgot how to write screen plays or perhaps the writer had multiple personality disorder and all the people in his head wanted to write different stories and that’s what led to this mess. I mean, it’s never even really explained why he retires. Now I’m fine with shoddy explanations but if the guy just ups and leaves for no reason it’s silly. Maybe I just missed it.

But then the step brother is an evil mastermind magical bad person? Ok… Cue immensely cool fight scene and brilliant suicide attempt and stupid wife. But oh hello Maggie Cheung and oh wait – she’s gone. Where? I don’t know, we’re still in her house… oh now she’s back agai- no she’s gone.

Then the film is at it’s massive ultimate ending climax… half way through. And we suddenly end up in a totally different type of film and David Carradine is there. This film is just one massive confused mess of a martial arts dream where a load of cool people pop up but nothing really makes any sense.

The fighting is cool. Some pretty impressive stuff all the way through this and that really is it’s only redeeming feature. Whoever signed off on making this film should be shot.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
You probably don’t want to watch this yourself.

Memorable quotes
The whole thing’s in Chinese. I wasn’t really listening.

Rating **
Poor. And decidedly so. The only thing which makes this even worth a glance is the really cool fighting. Actually – do yourself a massive favour and only watch the first five minutes. Oddly, that’s where some of the best stuff happens.

Plot

What went through my head
I think everybody should watch this film. It’s hilariously stupid and has such a depth of hidden and glossed over jokes that I laugh at new things every time I watch it. I managed to bully my girlfriend into watching with me and although I can’t really speak for her opinion, this film gets better every time I watch it.

I mean, let’s start with the fact that this is a Stanley Kubrick film, both written and directed by him. This is the same guy who did A Clockwork Orange, 2001 A Space Odyssey, Full Metal Jacket, Spartacus, and The Shing (which I still need to see). Regardless of your opinion of his films – I love some and am a little fuzzy on others – he is quite the director. With relatively few films under his belt, he’s still a renowned and revered name in the film world and films like this are the reason why. He’s simply spectacular and seems to know just what the audience needs to see even if they don’t know it themselves yet.

And now to the character names. Peter Sellers plays three characters (which always impresses me) President Merkin Muffley, Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake, and Dr Strangelove (or Dr. Merkwürdigliebe). Those names alone crack me up. Then there’s Colonel Bat Guano and Brigadier General Jack Ripper. Inspired I tell you.

The plot is beautifully crafted to cover every eventuality which leads to only one eventual outcome which, while unexpected, is hi-de-frickin-larious. Oh I love this film so much.

In essence, it’s a happy and funny way of questioning nuclear arms by being as silly as possible. While the United States Air Force message before the film reassures however, there is no possibility of the events of this film occurring in real life. No matter – the questions are still there: why have nuclear arms hmmmm?

Moral debates aside, if you need some off-beat humour and utter silliness then this film is perfect. And even if you don’t, it’s still perfect.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
With classic films like this, the answer always has to be yes in my book.

Memorable quotes
President Muffley: Gentlemen! You can’t fight in here – this is the war room!

Major T. J. “King” Kong: Survival kit contents check. In them you’ll find: one forty-five caliber automatic; two boxes of ammunition; four days’ concentrated emergency rations; one drug issue containing antibiotics, morphine, vitamin pills, pep pills, sleeping pills, tranquilizer pills; one miniature combination Russian phrase book and Bible; one hundred dollars in rubles; one hundred dollars in gold; nine packs of chewing gum; one issue of prophylactics; three lipsticks; three pair of nylon stockings. Shoot, a fella’ could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

Rating *****
Was there ever any doubt of my love for this film? If you’ve never seen it, see it. If you have seen it, treat yourself to another watch.

Plot

What went through my head
It seems that with just about every film the Clooneymeister releases, critics scramble to be the first to say that it’s “the performance of his career” and then the academy trips over it’s own two feet throwing an Oscar nomination at him. To be fair, it’s George Frickin Clooney and he most probably deserves every single nomination and award he is handed but to be on the safe side, I am sceptical when it comes to praise before viewing. Yet then again, this is directed by the guy who did Sideways, and that is an incredible film I could watch on a loop for years.

What’s evident very quickly in this film is that as great as Clooney is, the surrounding cast – most of whom I’d never laid eyes on before – are phenomenal. If I’m honest, this is a step down from Up In The Air for the Cloonster (though an obvious leap up from The American) thought that’s not in any way to say that he is bad nononooononooooo he’s great. It’s just that relative to the rest of the cast who are, let’s face it, nobodies, his performance shows the least zing and improvement. D’you get what I’m driving at here? What I’m saying is, on the grand acting-o-meter, good ol’ George here has gone from a 9.5 to a 9 yet the rest of the cast go from 0 to 7s, 8s, 9s, and 10s in a matter of seconds on screen.

The one who especially stands out is Shailene Woodley who plays the older daughter Alex. Her performance is pitch perfect and Empire smack the nail right on the head in trotting out the line “Did you just spank me?” when her dad attempts some discipline, as a perfect blend of incredulity, amusement, shock, and anger. She is quite simply sublime and I hope she doesn’t just disappear into the undergrowth of Hollywood, never to be seen again aside from on some B-Movie horror/porn flick in five years time.

Yet now I come to the depressing area of the subject matter of the film. Oh ok I know, I can’t rightly mark a film down on having a sad plot; in fact, the opening narration of the film sets this up perfectly by stating that just because it’s Hawaii, it doesn’t mean that everything’s hunky dory. And I’m fine with depressing films, some of my favourite films are Munich, The Pianist, Into The Wild, Downfall, and Hotel Rwanda. None of which you’d watch to cheer yourself up (though I did once watch The Pianist to cheer me up, kinda worked too – perhaps I was just cheered up by the fact that I wasn’t Polish Jew living in Warsaw the early 1940s). My problem with The Descendants here is that the film seems not to know whether to make too little of the dying mother, too light of it, or whether to slam it in our faces so hard we start crying. Ok so deep down, I knew I was going to shed a tear at this film, I just wasn’t ready for it when I did. But perhaps I’m being too hard on this here. Life is messy and moves people to tears and inopportune moments. Who am I to say “wait I’m not ready” when life hands me a bucket full of suck? Maybe The Descendants is just a little more honest than most films when it comes to the topic of pain. Maybe.

It’s hard not to like this film but it’s also hard to love it. A fantastic script and a moving story, played out by stellar actors should slam itself right into my “Films I Liked” list but I have a few reservations. Maybe I’m just being picky. Maybe.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
I went to see this on Valentine’s day with my girlfriend (hey – there was little on) and as lovely a time as we had, I’d skip it in labelling it as a good couple’s film. It’s about premature death, messed up families, and infidelity due to the negligence of the husband – none of which is likely to stimulate feelings of warmth and trust between you both.

Memorable quotes
Matt King: Nothing just happens!
Brian Speer: Everything just happens.

Rating ****
This is not, repeat, not the performance of Clooney’s career (that accolade goes to Michael Clayton in my opinion) but it is rather darn good. It’s a film that while it may not lift you up, will revive your love of dramatic cinema and renew your hope in modern film and scriptwriting. This is superbly done.

Plot

What went through my head
Who doesn’t love a bit of Oscar Wilde? If the answer is you then I never want to meet you. I read this play a few years ago and thoroughly enjoyed it though it is a bit of a tricky plot to summarise like I did above. I really don’t think I did a good job but I can’t very well detail the entirety of the story now can I? Ah well.

To be honest, I never really thought that a film could properly live up to the magnificence of the play, it’s just so incredibly good. And from what I gather, the film doesn’t stick rigourously to the script (it has been a while since I read it) and so what hope does this film have? Lots of hope I am happy to inform you. The cast is quite perfect and that makes a world of difference. I’m sometimes a little iffy on Colin Firth and Reese Witherspoon (though A Single Man and Walk The Line really should teach me better) but they were expertly placed here.

I really can’t tell you just how good this plot is. It’s quite simply divine and words fail me in attempting to describe how much I enjoy every moment of it. As for the added extra bits, they did seem a little odd but I guess eventually they fitted in somehow… or am I just being too kind here? To be honest, they annoyed me more than a little. There was simply no need for them. Why add to Wilde? Especially when it just gets a little bit odd.

Artistic license aside, this is a fantastic adaptation of a play which ticks every good box on my list. I only hope to see more Wilde on the screen.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
Why of course! It’s a rom-com from the best! Hilarity and joviality all round. What’s not to like?

Memorable quotes
Lady Bracknell: To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune. To lose both looks like carelessness.

Jack: How you can sit there eating muffins when we’re in this terrible trouble, I can’t make out! It seems to me to be perfectly heartless…
Algy: I can hardly eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs.

Lady Bracknell: The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did it would prove a serious threat to the upper classes, and probably lead ot acts of violence in Grosvenor Square

Lady Bracknell: Do you smoke?
Jack: Well yesLady Bracknell, I must to say,  I do smoke.
Lady Bracknell: I’m glad to hear it. A man should always have an occupation.

Rating ****
A beautiful and brilliantly funny adaptation of an Oscar Wilde masterpiece. All rom-coms should aspire to this level of complexity.

Plot

What went through my head
You know how you just want to watch a chick-flick every now and then? Yeah so I had one of those moments and so we scoured LoveFilm and stumbled upon this beauty. I’m a big Julia Roberts fan. Not a crazy person – just a Julia Roberts fan. Ok so her mouth is precisely 2.6 times wider than anybody else’s but she’s good, really good. I’ve been a believer ever since Erin Brockovich.

Yet as beautifully star studded as this cast is – hello Joan Cusack, Hector Elizondo, Donal Logue, Paul Dooley, and Christopher Meloni who, while you might not have heard of them, are still stalwart extras who always flesh out a film nicely – it’s still a little flat. Even Richard Gere with all his charm and comedic arrogance in this film cant seem to push the film from good to great.

And I’m not knocking the film, it’s good – solidly so. It’s just I always want more when they trot out such actors as these. A great chick-flick can be done with mediocre and unknown actors (When Harry Met Sally) and so I expect excellent actors to produce an excellent film. I guess not all the fault lies with the acting here, but with the story. Seriously people, we’ve had it with the predictable romance film now – write something jucier and twisty turny.

I can’t really stay mad at this film for long though. Any film with an arrogant and cynical protagonist always wins me over. Perhaps I see a little too much of myself in there.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
It’s what the film was made for! Only, if your partner has previously called off a wedding at the last minute, I might give this one a miss.

Memorable quotes
Ike: Hey, don’t knock drunks in bars! It means they’re not out driving.

Maggie: A girl can’t get married in flannel!

Ike’s answer machine: Hi, leave a message after the beep. If you want to send me a fax, then buy me a fax machine.

Rating ***
I think the scriptwriter ran away with the other potential stars here. But if you want a good rom-com, there are plenty of worse places to go.

Plot

What went through my head
So after reviewing Zulu, I found out that there was a prequel made about 15 years later. I decided to watch it almost immediately after Zulu seeing as I guessed it would help me enjoy the film more. Sadly, I was a little wrong.

Now you all know that I loved Zulu. I gave it five stars in my review and it’s just excellent. I wasn’t expecting total brilliance from Zulu Dawn as sequels and prequels do tend to have a rubbishness to them half the time and although this wasn’t rubbish by any stretch of the imagination, I was just disappointed. I mean, if you’re doing a sequel to a film which is 50% fighting and your film has an even bigger battle, it’s probably a good idea to spend at least the same amount of screen time in a battle right? Zulu Dawn relies more heavily on why it all happened rather than actually showing you the main event. Not that it’s not shown, it’s the last half hour of the film I guess but it’s just not enough.

Zulu set things up and had the fighting start very quickly when you think about things. And so when I looked at the progress bar and saw that I was over half way through the film and they hadn’t even reached the place where the fighting was going to happen yet, I was rather disheartened.

The acting however, is quite something. Each and every one of the characters has excellent depth, even if they don’t have much screen time. Everyone in this film did a fantastic job, especially Peter O’Toole who plays the general Lord Chelmsford.

In essence, this film is more about military stupidity and how Chelmsford was spoiling for a fight than the actual battle of Isandlwana itself. I suppose that due to the fact that the battle was over relatively quickly in comparison to the two day siege of Rourke’s Drift in Zulu, it wouldn’t do to spend the whole film on it but then again, a whole film of politics and military incompetence which is billed as a prequel to a huge battle film does seem like a poor effort.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
Only if you’re into old films, British military history, colonial whys and wherefores, or Peter O’Toole.

Memorable quotes
Lt. Col. Pulleine: His Lordship is of the cetain opinion that it’s far too difficult an approach to be chosen by the Zulu command.
Col. Durnford: Yes, well… difficulty never deterred a Zulu commander.

Rating ***
Although nowhere near the film it could have been, it is saved by simply inspiring performances from the entire cast which carry the film and manage to still make it interesting viewing.

Plot

What went through my head
Now Zulu is always one of the films which is on just about every Christmas and which I remember watching a few times when I was little. I really didn’t remember that much of it though apart from the odd funny scene and the fact that lots of people die. I’m so glad I watched this again as an adult as it turns out that I’ve been missing one of Michael Caine’s best ever performances and a darn good film to boot.

Ok so it’s made in the ’60s, and it is a little overly dramatic in many places, and the battle sequences could do with a modern day re-vamp, but hey – this film is incredible! For one thing, it’s basically a version of 300 with guns and the British instead of spears and an airbrushed Gerard Butler. It also makes a little bit more sense than 300 because the Zulus don’t magically come charging down the hill with supersized rhinos. But hey, I’m a massive 300 fan so I’ll leave the comparisons there.

One thing I did remember being in awe of as a little kid was the battle tactics of the British. Now I have no idea how historically accurate this whole thing is but I do know that firing by rank and advance firing by rank were stalwart tactics of us Brits and to be honest, how else would 100 men hold off 4,000 without immensely superior tactics? And seriously, watching the firing by rank (which is where the infantry form into two or more lines and take turns firing and reloading – they can also advance by leapfrogging the lines) is something of tactical beauty and I know I’m sounding like a massive geek as I type this but I don’t care.

The only thing which really annoys my with this film, aside from the one or two very dodgy Welsh accents, is the idiot character of the Swedish missionary. A staunch pacifist, he keeps telling people to give up the fighting because he doesn’t want them to die. Only, the fool doesn’t seem to realise that telling people they are going to die just before they fight has a rather detrimental effect on their morale, causing more of them to die. Also, he’s a massive hypocritical doofus and I just wanted to punch him. Hey preacher man – if you’re going to get drunk and then start quoting random passages of the Bible, quote in context and also, I’d leave of shouting some of the more racy passages of Song Of Solomon to the soldiers, you’re getting nowhere.

But bumbling fools of preachers aside, this film has one of the most stirring battle sequences ever shot in my opinion. I mean, I always enjoy a good sing song but singing and fighting together always gives me the chills. I’ll put a YouTube clip of it here as, although some of you won’t want to sit through the whole film, this end battle sequence is simply incredible. Welshmen singing, Zulus chanting, the final charge, the firing by rank – gives me chills.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
Normally I err on the side of caution when it comes to recommending war films to couples but seeing as this was made in the ’60s and how it’s now such a classic film, I really do have to recommend it to everybody.

Memorable quotes:
Bromhead:  At one hundred yards! Volley fire, present! Aim! Fire! Reload! Aim! Fire! Reload… fire at will!
Pte. Owen: Well now, that’s very nice of him.

Pvt. William Jones: What’s he up to, 593?
Pte. Robert Jones: Oh, I think he wants to be hero, 716.
Cpl. Schiess: Haven’t you rednecks got names instead of numbers?
Pte. Robert Jones: ‘Tis a Welsh regiment, man! Though there are some foreigners from England in it , mind. I am Jones from Bwlchgwyn, he is Jones from Builth Wells, and there are four more Joneses in C Company! Confusing, isn’t it, Dutchy?

Rating *****
Classics only stay in the public consciousness if they’re incredibly good. This is one of those films. Colonial motives aside, this really is an excellent film.

Plot

What went through my head
Seeing as how I was going to France for a week, I thought it fitting to watch a French film I haven’t seen before. I’ve seen lots of French films (in my opinion: just about all of the good ones) and although I was initially sceptical about this, I was pleasantly surprised.

Now this film is in no way serious. I mean, there are dinosaurs and magic and stupidity everywhere and it’s just lovely. Sometimes the Gallic sense of humour can be a little off but this hit the nail on the head every time. It’s just a lovely film which warms the heart really and nobody can resist that now can they?

One thing that slightly tickled me though, or rather: made me gape in disbelief, is the French interpretation of what is acceptable in a family/kids film. In most people’s books, a scene where our female protagonist is having a bath and the water doesn’t come anywhere near high enough to cover her boobs, is quite certainly on the ‘not-to-show-to-my-kids’ list. And yet this film is clearly on a par with films like National Treasure and Percy Jackson (in demographic only – this film kicks both of their behinds) in being aimed at kids from about 8 to 15. Ah the French and their lax moral standards.

But all in all this is a brilliantly worked out story which has all the right highs and lows along with some excellent storytelling, even if there is a scene with too much nipple for children.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
Deffinitely, this is perfect fun film material with happy endings and endearing characters galore.

Memorable quotes:
Narrator: Her editor sent her to Peru, to uncover the lost tomb of the Incas [cut to Adele surrounded by pyramids] Something you should know about Adele to really understand her: She listens to her instincts and not her publisher.

Rating ****
The French Indiana Jones. With dinosaurs, mummies, magic, big game hunters, rubbish police detectives, fumbling lovestruck fools, and particle physics. What’s not to like?

Plot

What went through my head
You would have thought that a film about a despicably bloody battle as told by the losing side would have been massively interesting, especially since it has a sister film told from the winning side. Not so much. I mean, it’s good, but just nowhere near as good as I wanted it to be given the greatness of its predecessor.

Whereas Flags talked about how awful war, and the propaganda needed to win a war was, this film explores far more interesting themes in my opinion. It develops the theme of every day civilians fighting in a global conflict and it introduces the idea of how a nation can lose a war even before it begins just by having the wrong attitude towards people. But the sad thing is, as interesting as these films are, it’s just not as good as Flags.

I think maybe this is to do with the fact that the entire second half of the film is spent following the side losing the battle, and losing it in the stupidest way possible. Orders remain unfollowed and are constantly disobeyed by idiot officers with a ridiculous thirst for “honour” which actually translates as a thirst for being shot in the face most of the time.

Perhaps this film is more frustrating than boring but I put it to you that a film filled with frustration quickly becomes boring. Now this may all be based upon fact and I’ve no doubt that there were such idiots in the Japanese army but when it comes to making a film about it, it drags. There are basically two people in the film who you root for and the rest can all go step on a mine for all I care. Sadly, the Japanese culture of the day dictated that any form of surrender was shameful and morally wrong and so ideas such as the tactical retreat are abandoned by moronic sergeants who have no idea how to conduct a war.

But aside from being frustrating in these respects, the film simply doesn’t live up to Flags. It may remain a companion piece in the study of Iwo Jima but unlike its sister film, I doubt whether it will stand the test of time.

Do you want to watch this with your significant other?
Seeing as how I was iffy if you wanted to watch Flags, I’m going to come down on a hard ‘no’ for this one. It’s just a little boring and sad after a while.

Memorable quotes
General Kuribayashi: I will always be in front of you.

Rating ***
Good as a study of how not to fight a battle, and quite acceptable as a companion piece to its predecessor, but in no way will this stand out in people’s minds as being a great war film. Pity.